Bad Driver Rant

This one is less of a rant and more about universal ways to stereotype bad drivers


First off, I’m going to avoid any racial and gender discussion here. Not only is this not fair, it is also completely counterproductive and unacceptable for numerous other reasons. This rant illustrates that you don’t need racial or gender bases for stereotyping. Second, there is no factual information in this rant, just opinion. Third, this rant (as I had promised earlier) is unlikely to make the world a better place (unless you laugh…in which case I’ve done my job). Fourth……nobody is perfect…we all know that you and I both fit in at least one of these categories at least some of the time–nobody is perfect.

And so….after years and years of driving around, I have come across (and had others point out to me) driver stereotypes that transcend gender/racial/age barriers and fit all comers. Beware, these are stereotypes, and therefore exist only to pidgeon hole people into inappropriately confining holes for pidgeons. Too bad……humility is fun and good for all of us and reminds us all that we are “humile”!

STEREOTYPE #1: REALLY LARGE TRUCK & SUVs

This type of demon suffers from Schmeckel syndrome. They require compensation inversely proportional to their shortcoming. Along with the need to fulfill a lifetime of not-big-enough, comes the absolute supremecy in their knowledge that their big 8MPG monstrosity can stop on a dime. You will find this demon a scant 10 feet behind you with high beams blazing at the gentle speed of 70mph. If not on the highway, they are guaranteed to be found careening too fast down a mountain road and sideswiping a bicyclist. Interesting enough, the current governator of Kaleefourneeya (A.Schwarzenegger) suffers from some deficiency requiring the biggest car on the road (an H1 Hummer). If you ever wanted to get yourself a new ride, simply slam on your breaks in front of this demon…..the check for your difficulties will be in the mail.

STEREOTYPE #2: TASSLED ITEM HANGING FROM REAR VIEW MIRROR

Next time you get cut off, scared, sideswiped or otherwise shocked by the blank stare of idiocy in the car right next to you, check for the tassle. This type of demon is far too distracted by the pretty swinging thing under the rear view mirror to worry about those pesky little lines on the road. Whether it be a stop sign, a red light (typically run), a freeway merge or a half-ass parking job, keep your distance to protect your life. No, you are not going insane, and yes, this demon is allowed to breed, just as they are allowed to carry a drivers license (what used to be a priviledge but is now a “right”) and threaten your very survival.

STEREOTYPE #3: REALLY LARGE HATS

This insecure spirit needs the shelter of a big brim. Wheter it be sun-hats or cowboy hats, the large hat wearers lack peripheral vision and have simply created their own planet underneath their bucket. If you intended to get to your destination in a timely manner, it is best to take an alternate route, as this one’s hat easily occupies two lanes and the wind resistance of the hat keeps them perpetually 10 miles under the surrounding speed of traffic.

STEREOTYPE #4; SOCCER MOM WITH 1 OR MORE KIDS IN BACK SEAT

Soccer moms are busy. Too busy and self important to worry about anything other than themselves (yes, their children are excluded from this worry). They can be seen massively parallel processing their caffeine infusions with changing the DVD for their back-seat progeny, while also leaning behind to wipe a nose or bark an order or scribble down a to-do list on the dashboard of their car. Beware 4-way stops when meeting this type, as they always have right of way.

STEREOTYPE #5: TISSUE PAPER ON REAR SEAT

The tissue-demon driver is a weird one. Half the time they are harmless well-aware drivers that cause no problems. However, beware when the little demonettes are riding along. That tissue paper is simply a warning to keep your distance, for when snot flies at 75mph, this demon will turn completely around (oblivious to the break lights in front) to make sure that the upholstery remains unharmed.

STEREOTYPE #6: THE BMW DRIVER

This one is far too easy…..There’s a reason this stereotype exists and is even acknowledged by the very demon itself. I suppose when you drive “the ultimate driving machine” you simply become and invincible ass. The only defense against this demon is distance. Beware not to get caught up in the vile roadrage spell that is this demon’s signature trademark.

STEREOTYPE #7: REALLY BIG GLASSES

Lots of people have bad eyesight, but this demon flaunts it with massive glasses practically the size of hte windshield itself. Beware anyone with the giant plastic horribly scratched vision impairers.

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