7 months into this experiment, and I still can’t believe we have a child.    We’re on the verge of crawling and figuring out a good daily routine and I wanted to post about a few more products we are using and really appreciate.

Playyard

Essential for day-to-day survival.

Dagny spends at least 1 hour a day rolling around with toys while we cook in the kitchen.  She rolls around in the morning during breakfast and also as I cook dinner.

She does it in the safety and comfort of her own brightly colored playard.   We inherited this bad boy but I would gladly buy one!  The interior mat is soft and friendly to the little bonker and the rattling creatures on the side provide much enjoyment, too.   This this is essential to our sanity and we have even taken it when we go to other people’s houses so that she has as safe place for a nap.  We’ll even quickly collapse it and transport it outside so that we can work in the garden while the kid plays in the shade.

Play Mats

Interlocking blue foam mats for the rough and tumble infant.

Now that our little one is rolling like a mad person and trying to crawl, we have determined that she is too active to be bothered by little things (like controlling her head).  She has this habit of rolling and dropping her melon onto the hardwood floors.   Eventually she might learn, but my knees and hips won’t.   We needed something softer to roll around on the floor with her.    Carpet is nice, but vomit and spit-up can be tricky.  Steph found these killer and simple mats at a great price and we have invested in a large area to go on top of our nice carpet.  One of these days (when the spitting up has ceased) we’ll store these mats and reveal a clean carpet.  Until then, it’s blue kickboard foam mats for us.

PRODUCT IDEA & GRIPE: I have one gripe to settle with the manufacturer, they don’t make features to interlock with these tiles.  They have a “border” piece that you can attempt to source, but it is at the same level as everything else.   When Dagny rolls over the 3/4″ edge and onto hardwood (a spontaneous event when she has mo’) she invariably goes “thunk”.   We would LOVE to have a raised border of about 4 inches….enough to stop her from flying off the side.   Come on product engineers and bring out the add-on feature.

Digital Video Monitor

The Mobi Cam video monitor is another sweet "essential" device.

We inherited an audio baby monitor, but it was analog and the frequency drifted in and out and the range was horrible.   We really wanted to be able to go outside and do yardwork while Dagny napped (without having to check on her every 10 minutes to see how she was doing).  Once again, Steph did the research and we figured we would get a video monitor (audio doesn’t carry the “information” that you want… like is the baby asleep or just being quiet or just lying face down on their mattress).

We were stoked when our Mobi Cam arrived.   The thing is digital and paired (so somewhat secure) and has an awesome range!  We can put Dagny to sleep upstairs and go downstairs and outside and garden.   You can set it to audio-only mode or watch the video now and then to check on her.   The night vision on the camera is excellent, too.     This device has greatly freed us from checking on her and has actually resulted in longer and better naptimes for Dagny!

NAG: The only nag I have is that the Mobi Cam operates at 2.4GHz, which means that it can trounce our wireless network signals.  To solve this, we simply put our airports into interference robustness mode and we keep the camera and receiver a good couple of feet away from our laptops.   Once we did all that it’s a non-issue.

PRODUCT WISH: You are a product engineer and you are making a digital wireless camera at 2.4GHz.   Could you please just put a DHCP client (or Bonjour capable) and web server in there and simply just serve basic video over the network.  Yes, I know that H.264 is an evil steaming pile of licensing issues, so do something else.   If you did this, then my iPhone becomes my baby monitor (save a web clip) and I only need the camera.       Yes, I looked into security cameras linked into our network, and these generally sucked or were 4 times more expensive than the Mobi Cam and painful to install.     Maybe in a couple of years, somebody will have solved this part.

Wrap Up

As we head into crawling and walking, I’m sure we’ll revisit this topic again soon.   Containment devices (gates and play pens) will surely make the future list.

This goalie thought is a little insight into how some of us cope with the numbers in lights on the end of the rink.

Yes, the score. You see, the score might determine who wins or loses, but it doesn’t tell the story of how it got that way. Nor does it tell the story of how any one team member played. I’ve had some of my best games in net on the losing side of the battle — there is only so much you can do.

So, in talking with other goalies, I’ve noticed how certain goals bother us more than others. We discount certain goals in our own heads (sure, they are real and they go up on the board). In fact, you can go as far a to say that we goalies have our own way of keeping score. The higher the point value, the worse our performance, kind of like the other team’s goal count (we like low numbers, eh?). So, here goes.

The goalie screwup – Point Value = k*1

These are the goals we hate and that’s why I’m covering them first. These are the goals that I should have had, and easily, but still let in. A classic example is a soft shot along the goal line. There is no angle on that shot, and the chance of it going in are slightly above 0%. These goals are terrible, and more than one of these in a night can really take it’s toll. We know when we’ve let one of these in — whether we show it or not. “k” is the multiplier for how bad you feel (could be as high as 2) or how silly the mistake was. Usually, the higher the “k” value, the less likely you are to make that mistake again!

The basic, normal everyday goal – Point Value = 1

For those of you who watch hockey, there are some goals that are just scored on good shots, or great teamwork. The other team simply creates an opportunity and capitalizes on it. Sometimes they wear you down in your own zone and generate a series of shots. Sometimes they get somebody open on the back door after a lot of work. Sometimes they just beat you fair and square. These are “normal goals” and they happen.

Kung-Fu Saves – Point Value = 1f / x

Sometimes you put together an amazing string of saves. You know, where you make the first save and the rebound gets to an opponent’s stick and comes back so you do the splits and you make another save, but the D can’t clear it and so you launch across the crease to make another save which then gets kicked over and you have to poke check this time. These things happen. Sometimes you put together 5 or 6 of these saves inside of a few short seconds. When you are doing that, you are demonstrating the art of Goalie Kung Fu. Sometimes you get the first 5 but the 6th finds a way to dribble across the goal line. These things happen. Fortunately, with goalie scoring, the point value is 1f/ x where “x” is the number of Kung Fu saves and “f” is a reasonable multipler for your skill level. For instance, I typically use an “f” of 3 (I expect to be able to make 3 Kung Fu saves in a row). If I make 4 Kung Fu saves and the 5th one goes in, the point value is really “3/4″ which is less than the number up on the score board. Translation: I did my job, so I’m not taking full credit for that goal.

Odd Man Rushes – Point Value = (0.5) * (1 / x)

I’ve had teams give up a lot of odd man rushes. These can be your solo breakways, your 2 on 1′s, your 2 on goalie’s…. etc. I’ve even faced (multiple times) 3 opponennts at once! What’s up with that? Anyway, these types of situations have their own point valuation. We start with the basic fact that a clean breakaway is about a 50/50 chance (there are factors about how well I know the shooter, how well they know me, comparable skill levels, number of breakways already that game, etc etc, but we’ll stick with 50/50 to keep it simple). The “x” is the number of shooters breaking in. So for a clean 1 on 0 breakway, if they score it’s a point value of 0.5. If for some reason your D are asleep and you see a 2 on 0, the point value is (0.5) * (1/2) or a value of 0.25. Translation, I expect I might get lucky about 1 out of every 4 times when faced with a 2 on 0 breakaway. You get the picture. Adjust and scale as necessary for the conditions at hand.

Tip Ins and Deflections – Point Value = 1f / x

Tip ins, deflections and odd bounces are a standard part of the game. In this case, “x” is the number of times the puck is tipped (yes, it can be tipped 2 or 3 or even 4 times en route to your face). Even so, we utilize the “f” scaling factor for expected skill level. For a beginning goalie, “f” may equal 0.5, meaning you expect to stop only about 1/2 of the tipped pucks from going in the net. As goalies improve, you figure out game strategies for cutting off tip angles and whatnot. At this point, I use an “f” of 1, meaning I expect to stop the first tip. If a puck is tipped twice and goes in, I’ll give it a score of 0.5. If it’s tipped 3 times, I’d have to claim lack of superhuman speed and paranormal predication and grant it a 0.33 point value. You get the picture.

10/28/2008

Off the post, off the back of your glove, elbow or back, and in the net- Point Value = 1/2

The posts are your friends, except for the rare times that shooters turn them against you by using them. When the shooter hits the post in such a way as to bank it off the back of your glove and then into the net, you have to give them some props. On the other hand, you have to admit that without the post stabbing you in the back, their shot would not have meant squat. So, in this case we’ll simply split the difference and call it 1/2 a point.

The D coughs it up Goal – Point Value = 1/f

There are those times you have just busted out your Goalie Kung Fu and the D gets possession and your team is skating out of the zone with the puck only to cough it up and find the puck in the net. Often during these times you are just trying to catch a few seconds of breath before the next offensive salvo, and so you find yourself a little further back and unprepared than you should be. All of this can be made especially difficult if it is a D that you trust to clear the zone 99% of the time. Either way, the D cough up goal can be a tough “f” value to assign. Does “f” scale with distance from the crease? (Sometimes the D will try to bring the puck tight around the net only to lose it out of your reach and have the opponent “capitalize” on the “opportunity”). Or does “f” scale with the graciousness of the cough-up? You’ll have to figure out your own point value on this one.

Tie Breaker Penalty Shots – Point Value = 0 -or- (0.5) * (1/x)

This one is simply unfair to assign any point value to regardless. It takes a team to end up in an overtime tie-breaker. If you let the critical one in, the game is over and should be put out of your mind. If you make the critical save, you’re a hero. With these types of outcomes, just let it go as a 0 and move on. However, if that’s not good enough and you like to feel the guilt after the game, go for a (0.5) * (1/x) approach, where (0.5) is the familiar 50/50 odds and “x” is the number of penalty shots you have faced that night. The longer things go, the more your skill and luck are stretched.

Own Goals – Point Value = 0

It can be hard enough to track 5 guys circling around in your zone whirling the puck from player to player. What makes it even harder is that there is a small rubber biscuit in the middle of that chaos and you have to keep your eyes on it. What makes this even harder is that you are trying to move all the time to be in the right place so that you can cuddle the biscuit when it gets launched your way. What makes this even harder is there is typically some dude standing in front of you trying to obscure your view of the biscuit. And if that wasn’t enough, your D tries to perform the noble service of clearing out your view, often to end up blinding you just as badly. Oh, and one more thing — I play at night — which is about 7-10 hours after those people in front of me have had their tacqueria lunches (if you know what I mean). So what happens if a shot is taken, you manage to see it, prepare for it, and suddenly your own D tries to help out by tipping it past you? A point value of 0 my friends. This is a goal that simply does not count in my goalie mind.

9/25/2008

Your D falls down and puts them, you and the puck in the net – Point Value = 0

Thanks to Amy for demonstrating this one so cleanly. A guy is coming in on a breakaway and your D is putting pressure on them. As the guy cuts to deke, he loses the puck. Since the cut (and the lost puck) are both a surprise to your D, your D has no choice but to lose both edges, dismount, and slide ass over tea kettle into the puck. Sure, sounds great, except for the momentum part. The puck and the D decide to continue towards your knees at a good velocity (it is ice, and it tends to be slippery). The menage a trois is a nice one and the other team posts a goal. However, being a goalie, you rightfully choose not to count this event as a point against.

10/28/2008

Ringing it in the zone, off an end stanchion, off your back, in the net- Point Value = 0

Honestly, this should never have happened. What are the odds? That’s right, terrible. In fact, if you had not even been there the goal would not have scored. You could even challenge a shooter to make the same ring-in 100 times and they still couldn’t recreate this goal. A goal like this is so beyond belief and so completely random that you could argue it doesn’t exist and never happened. Hence the 0 points.

In The House and On The Button – Point Value = -1

The only way I can figure to mentally knock off points is to put the puck in the house and on the button. What? You don’t watch curling? Basically, this happen when I freeze the puck down low (and don’t desperately need a drink of water, a gear adjustment or any of the other things that players have 2 minutes to do every time they get off the ice. This also assumes you know the refs and they know you, as some refs can get pissy about the goalie “playing” the puck after the whistle blows!) The ‘game’ is simple, after the whistle blows and everyone has had a chance to calm down (players, they get worked up, y’know), gently play/push/shove the puck towards the correct faceoff dot. If you can land the puck right on the dot, take a point off the score!!! Sure, sounds easy enough. Trouble is, the ice conditions change throughout the game and it’s really hard to curl a puck without sweepers (or whatever they are called) working the ice in front of you. And if that is bad enough, players will often skate across the facefoff circle without looking, thereby messing up your perfect toss. Best of luck on this one!

Ding Dong Post Hits - Point Value = +/- x

Somebody recently asked me how I valued shots that hit the post. The answer to this one is simple: If it goes in, x = 1 (or whatever the value from above calculations might be). If it doesn’t go in, x = 0. Yes, it’s that simple. In my monkey, a shot hitting the post means that I was in the perfect position — not an inch was wasted being out of position. Gotta keep things positive!

You probably didn’t notice us eating less than three feet away from you when you suddenly decided your infant daughter needed her diaper changed immediately, right there. For I’m sure if you had noticed us sitting there, eating, you might not have put your daughter on the floor by our feet and commenced changing her diaper.

You left us perplexed and completely disoriented. You see, your actions made so little sense that for a moment we felt the Earth stop and alter its rotation so that it could revolve entirely around you.

We are not exactly sure what you were thinking in making the decision to change a dirty diaper within a yard of strangers eating. We understand that being a parent is difficult and involves numerous sub-optimal decisions. But a diaper is not an *immediate* safety concern requiring instantaneous action with deleterious consequences.

We are quite positive that you failed to expend even modest effort in finding a more appropriate place to air your daughter’s dirty laundry. In fact, we know for a fact that the bathroom less than 10 yards away is quite spacious, clean, and equipped with a fan for removing certain smells. This same bathroom even has a large counter for enabling diaper changing. Oh yeah, and there is typically not much of a wait for the bathroom either.

Were you so concerned about losing your precious table that you felt compelled to air it all out next to us? Surely, your husband [except that he was too self-absorbed standing in line] could have taken your daughter to the bathroom so that you could retain your sacred seat.

Your decision makes us wonder if you would also throw a dinner party for strangers. Then, in the middle of the dark brown chunky french onion soup, surprise everyone by changing your daughter on the nearby buffet table so that guests could compare/contrast the soup to the diaper contents (in the consistency, color and smell categories).

Surely, changing your daughter’s diaper in the dining room during a dinner party would feel slightly inappropriate to you, right? So, shouldn’t changing it within a yard of strangers eating breakfast also feel inappropriate and somewhat unsanitary? (You didn’t even warn or ask us!)

You probably didn’t even notice how we stopped eating and quickly started scanning for alternate tables — then got up and left. After all, when the Earth rotates about you, how could you see anything else but a inconsequential blur.

This whole thing started back on May 17th, 2005. I had casually deleted the email from the Stanford Alumni Association figuring that neither Steph or myself could afford the trip, or that it would be of any interest to either one of us. I was so very wrong! To my amazement, the girl from Florida who had never been south of the equator (let alone out of the country) was seriously considering it (note: this same girl-from-florida also loves sushi and now plays ice-hockey—go figure). We knew that these trips sold out and had to act quickly. Could we afford it? Was the timing right? Could we manage the details? Would we ever have this opportunity again? (Yes, Yes, Yes, Not Really). Within a few days we had our deposit wired and were confirmed for the trip. Within 2 weeks all 30 spots were sold out. We were on the trail 4 months later.

TO SEE THE POST IN ALL IT’S DETAIL: CLICK HERE

Well, sort of.

A couple of days ago, I noticed that my bloody phone at home wasn’t ringing. For all I know, it could have been weeks since it last rang (I don’t get a lot of phone calls and nobody ever leaves me messages, so I had no real way of knowing). Turns out, this time I was waiting for a call and all that I heard was a short blip on the phone. Weird. I could call out, I could use my DSL line. Everything *seemed* fine. So…tried to report the problem to SBC. Don’t ever try to actually call SBC! Waste of time, especially when the poor schmucks on the phone start reading a script and find out you have DSL. To make matters worse, if you have static IP DSL (like yours truly) matters become impossible. Seems like SBC sold a product they can’t script tech support for. But I digress.

So, I gave up trying to call the phone company. Didn’t work for beans. Instead, got online and reported the problem. Only problem with reporting the problem was after 5 minutes of filling out online web forms, I click the bloody submit button and get the “Server is unable to process your request at this time…” (translation: we’re a phone company, why would you think of using the web to contact us).

Oh, and there is another problem. Turns out SBC charges you $55 for a house call if it is not their problem. But do they actually give you hints on how to diagnose the problem? Nope. That would cut into their revenue stream! So, I spent a good hour completely dismantling my phone system inside my house and isolating it down piece by piece (thank god I created a custom patch-panel years back and a custom phone-line test tool). I couldn’t find the problem, and I was able to get my phone to ring. So, I figured it was SBC’s problem.

After finally getting the problem form to go through, i got a technician out the next business day. And this guy calls me at work and says “it’s your problem”. I say “no way…i’ll be there in 10 minutes”. And the guy was right!!!

Now, here’s the rant section for real. Turns out all that they do is hook up a multimeter to your box and measure the resistance. Take note: 3.5mega-Ohms or greater is a good line. 1.5M-Ohms is kinda the minimum. With this kind of powerful knowledge, the tech and I are able to isolate the problem (a pre-existing line that, in fact, did not go through my patch panel….no wonder I didn’t catch it). Well, as of this point I am out $55 (I figure I’d take the guy to a fancy dinner instead), but we weren’t out of the woods.

So, these SBC guys have one other tool at their disposal. With their super-fancy wireless ruggedized laptops (this particular laptop was missing the “S” and “D” keys, so it couldn’t have been that rugged) he was able to call in an airstrike from the main office. Translation, he could ask the main office to run a line-test and it would report the resistance measurements from afar. Turns out one of my lines was still sub-megaOhm. Worse yet, unhooking my DSL modem did the trick.

Bad news. My DSL modem was working, and had worked for 5+ years. It was an ancient Alcatel 1000 that was configured by a $200/hr type PacBell technician.

So off to Fry’s I go. Find myself a brand new Zoom X5v ADSL modem. I didn’t really need all the features, but it was the only unopened box at Fry’s…..and one should NEVER buy opened boxes at Fry’s.

And here’s where the rant gets even better. Before doing anything, I tried to log into the Alcatel 1000. But after multiple attempts, figured I was locked out from gaining access. This meant that I could not get the settings and would be flying blind (nightmare of biblical proportions). So, down in the basement I sat with my new modem for 3 hours hacking away. Nothing. Nothing and n-o-t-h-i-n-g! I tried every bloody configuration, encapsulation, VCI, VPI setting and everything.

Did I mention I was a static IP subscriber and things were different (aka difficult) to set up? Well, after this three hours, I sucked it up and called SBC. Since it was midnight Pacific time, I got a call center in (gasp) India. The dutiful actress read the script and we got nowhere. At one point the script made her say “have you logged into SBCs help site at help.sbc.net….you will find it quite helpful”. I was too tired to yell at this point and simply explained to her that my network access was not so good at this time and that all the searches conducted on SBC’s worthless help site were in fact worthless after all. Then she says “Have you tried google?”

No joke….the SBC help staff recommends GOOGLE! I could not believe it! My befuddled response was lost in translation….and so I asked her a technical question (to keep her on the phone line trying to find where in her script the Encapsulation settings were located) and began to google. And lo-and-behold I found the first major piece to the puzzle. Turns out Pacbell wired DSL on yellow/black (outer pair) instead of the inner pair (red/green) that is most common now. I ran into the basement, quickly re-wired my junction box and suddenly my new DSL modem had a solid Link light.

But I wasn’t out of the woods. I still had hours of trial and error to work on. Every reboot of the modem took nearly one minute. Did I mention I was in the basement on my laptop this entire time?

Well….and then came the nasty part….when I did get the internet connection working, I could NOT get back to the Zoom Web Control Panel for the modem! This meant that since I was changing so many things I had forgotten some details and HAD TO HARD RESET THE MODEM AND START OVER!

This hard-reset and start over thing went on for several more hours. Finally, at 2am, with settings written down, I had internet connection but no ability to tweak modem (firewall, NAT, etc etc) settings.

Thanks to Zoom tech support though….they had live chat (the next morning) and were quick (24 hours) to respond to my email questions. I only got slightly annoyed once when they asked why I would need to get onto the Web Control Panel once everything was set up. Other than that, they were very good about answering my setup questions. Definitely a recommended brand!!

Anyway, the important puzzle pieces are as follows. In my area (MtView, CA) with old PacBell static IP, it took a VCI/VPI of 8/35 and an Encapsulation of 1483 Bridged LLC (whatever all that means). Make sure you have the jack wired to use the red/green center pair as well. Contact me if you want more details, but suffice it to say that overall it took 10 hours to get this thing online.

So the questions remain WHY IS IT SO BLOODY HARD TO SET UP A DSL MODEM? Why are there so many encapsulations and why do they not auto-discover!?! Why will Pacbell/SBC not simply give out the settings on their web site!?! Why is it so hard to get a Web Control Panel to work on the internal LAN when I’m connected directly to that LAN port!?!

That’s enough for now…looking forward to my Vegas trip now!

From: Red <c>Red Byer. For personal distribution only.

Sent: Thu 3/13/2003 4:10 PM

Subject: Back Surgery Stories/updates
First off, administratively: (1) Sorry for the mass email, but it’s more efficient. (2) Sorry if you get 2, 3 or even 4 copies of this message…i pretty much just spammed my address book.

Anyway, I just had a micro-discectomy, and here’s the story and a status update for you all.

Pre Surgery, Da’ History

For those who don’t know, I went in for lower back surgery last Tuesday the 11th. The operation was a micro-discectomy…..History: I have had on/off severe back pain for about 10 years now. Back then they only took an x-ray and thought I had a fused disc down there somewhere. Well, 2 months ago, it really really went out (sleeping was no longer an option). Finally, in early February, I had an MRI done and it showed a beautiful bulge/prolapse/hernia/rupture between L5 and S1. 15mm bulge to be specific, pinching on the left side spinal cord and basically messing it all up. As a point of reference, a prolapse that size was enough to make my chiropractor take pause and look seriously concerned (and he’s an x-football player who regularly treats NFL players).

Mid February, it was feeling better and I was working out more…and it went out AGAIN…Valerie & Steph got to witness that Valentine’s dinner hands-and-knees-all-of-a-sudden fiasco. In fact they looked worried enough that it became obvious surgery was a necessity.

After quite some waiting and a lot of kneeling at work, I finally had a pre-op and a surgery date scheduled. A second opinion with a more conservative Dr. S in Redwood City confirmed that it was time for surgery. Dr. K at the Stanford Neurosurgery was scheduled to be my surgeon.

OH, and this is most definitely not a “pity me email”. At least 3 of the people getting this have had total knee re-builds, at least 1 of the people has had a kidney transplant, and another had a deviated septum surgery. I think the pain and recovery from my surgery pales in comparison to those just mentioned.

Post Surgery, Quick Summary

So, the quick summary….after a DREADFUL night in the hospital (read more below) I am back at home . . . dosing up on vicadin and valium and steroids. I’m in some pain of course (imagine a sledgehammer hitting your back, or some sucker-kidney-punches) and I walk *really* slowly. I can’t bend or twist yet, but the good news, NO MORE SCIATIC LEG PAIN.

Speaking with the doctor, he said that he was surprised to see that much of the disc bulge seemed be from an older injury (hence the 10 years of back problems). He cleaned it right up, I hope. I’m hoping to get a post-MRI out of the deal if I can…just to see what it looks like now. As for the disc degeneration in L4 & L5…well, just going to have to live with that for the rest of my life. I hope to keep strong enough to be able to lift and toss-around my kids some day.

Since doctors do not give straight answers and love to be ultra conservative, they were saying it would be 2 weeks before I could drive and 4 weeks to return to activity. Yeah, WHATEVER. The driving is limited by the vicadin….(i can always get driven to work)..and the return normal activity varies by individual (2-6 weeks is what I have read).

I feel better today than yesterday, and I am not taking full-dosages of vicadin. I currently hope to be back to work in <10 days.

A Quick Thanks For The Support

THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THEIR SUPPORT. The cards/balloons/flowers are greatly appreciated. In fact, I left one of the baloons with my roomate, who was having a really bad time and who’s 2 year old son was visiting. The “Get RRRRuufff” dalmation balloon stayed behind for him. Oh, and the “ITs A BOY” balloon courtesy of Manuel M was the source of some confusion for the nursing staff.

Well done!

The Gritty Details Of My Night In The Hospital

AND NOW, the detailed nitty gritty somewhat humorous recap for those who have never been to a hospital, under anesthetic, etc. READ ONLY if you can stand the yummy details….this is for those of you who like the gory, juicy, nasty details…and for me to share the stories for those brave few.

WARNING: Too Much Information [TMI] abounds below.

They let me lie down in a bed and asked lots of questions, poked and prodded for 15 minutes, took vitals. Then came the fun part. I got to watch Stephanie & my mother flinch as they inserted the IV into my left wrist. I swear that they almost fainted. The best part, they loaded me up with some sort of anti-anxiety, relaxant stuff. WHAM….in 5 seconds I felt like I had just had 3 margaritas. My hearing went away and I was flying quite nicely. And then, wheeled to the operating room.

Interesting point….in the pre-op room there were at least 3 different SCRA parents that recognized me. In fact, Dr. Samuels (Coach Emma’s father) was my anastheseologist. Made me glad I was wearing my finest attire and didn’t have any embarrassing tattoos.

The resident that inserted the IV was very kind, and (sorry Steph) cute…so not a bad way to be put under and perhaps be the last thing I would see on the pain-free end of things. There was no countdown, nothing. Just a “We’re going to put this pillow under your head to support your neck better.” Uhh, yeah….I think that’s what they did.

Because the next thing I heard as I woke up…”Breathe deep….take another deep breath. Good. Another deep breath…really deep.” I complied, I don’t know why, but I did…and then my eyes opened…and I felt so very very good. It was only 2 1/2 hours or so after they had put me under. No nausea….a little soreness in my back (promptely relieved with a small hit of morphine).

And the TASTE. Oh my god, it felt like my mouth had had a bunch of nasty melted polyester poured into it. My mouth, my throat…my lips…tasted and smelled HORRIBLE. The nurse heard me complaining, and whipped out some sort of pre-tasting swab (some $50 lemon pledge-pinesol flavored q-tip) and swabbed my lips and let me suck on it for awhile. That was nice….then she was a total goddess and gave me a cup of crushed ice to suck on!!! Wow….anything to get rid of that nasty taste. I kept asking them why they didn’t invent mint flavored anasthesia…..could it be that hard?

And there I sat….bored, but drunk on anasthesia for an hour and a half….then two big nurses came and I got to watch the ceiling tiles of Stanford Hospital fly by as they whizzed me and my 300lb bed around and around and up the elevator.

Then I was in my room…next to a guy who was snoring (and didn’t stop the entire time I was there) really really really loud. They checked vitals (they do that in hospitals…a LOT) and I proceded to convince Steph & my mother to go get some food for themselves (I had to pee really bad, and wanted the privacy) [TMI to follow, don't read if you're squeemish.

Well, evidently, that liter of IV fluid they had pumped me with....it wanted out in a BIG way. I filled that urinal to the brim, and could have kept going, but I didn't feel like asking for more. The nurse who took it away dutifully recorded that I had peed, and how much, 'cause they do that as well as check your vitals.

Oh, by the way, I smelled terrible....my mouth still tasted terrible. Everything like a flowery plastic nasty that exuded from every pore. And the pee? Yuck. For those (like me) who can't stand morning after asparagus/broccoli piss, try the post-anasthesia pee. Holy stinking nasty!!! And it continued like that all night, too!!!

But I digress.....The time is now about 6:30pm.

So, in order to get off of the IV, I had to keep some fluids down, and I was eager to comply (that taste). They brought me some apple juice, water and soup broth. I began drinking the soup broth. Well, about this time, my roommate decided that the morphine was not agreeable, and I was treated to about 5 minutes of projectile vomiting into his bedpan. I must have been hungry, because I stll drank that soup, the apple juice and the water.

I was rewarded by being unhooked from the IV drip, but the IV tube remained in my wrist. Blech.

Then they brought me dinner. It was HUGE. After witnessing my roommate, I was in no hurry to rush back into eating (puking is tough enough, but with a hurt/weak back, it is tough and completely painful). Well, the dinner they brough was salad, fruit, a huge hunk of chicken, some rice and guess-what: BROCOLLI. Why not add insult to injury and throw in some asparagus, as if my pee didn't already smell bad enough! Needless to say, I passed on the brocolli....and nibbled on the rest. Quite a feat, given that my roommates heaving kept on going.

About 15 minutes later, steph & my mom return with their dinner, and I promptly shoo them out, because it's time for my roommate to get an enema. Wonderful. My pee smells like flowery plastic, my roommate is hurling, I'm worried about hurling (that's what everyone says happens after anasthesia & morphine), and my dinner is getting cold quickly because it smells like enema. This hospital stay was turning out to be a wonderful idea.

Another 15 mintues go by, the smell(s) have subsided...my mom, steph and my housemate return and I'm nibbling. I'm starving...want to eat, but given the circumstances, just can't.

At about 7:30....mom & housemate leave....Dr K comes in to let me know that all went well.....and then I attempt to stand. In order to stand, they have to remove these cool little pressurized air-bag leg-massagers that they had (keeps blood clots from forming, improves circulation and feels damn cool as they inflate and deflate).

7:30, a mere 4 hours after surgery, I stand....and go take a nice long plastic smelling pee (i hate urinals, and using a toilet was my reward for standing). My back felt weak, but acceptable, and with steph and the nurse for support, it was not a problem. We took a little walk around the unit (about 15 minutes or so)...and that felt really good.

I was able to walk/shuffle around until 8pm.....when I had to get back into bed (yup, still wearing my wonderful pantyhose in case you'd forgotten) and steph got kicked out for the night.

Contrary to popular belief...they kick visitors out early so that the patients go insane with boredom. They have found that boredom and insanity are the biggest aids to healing quickly and demanding shorter hospital stays. SO, at 8pm, I was faced with 14 hours of excruciating boredom with a little bit of pain. I was in prison/hospital....same difference.

On the good news, The Waterboy was playing...and that helped.

So commenced the night of no sleep. I had a little pain, sure...but having an IV in your wrist prevents it from bending. And in case you hadn't noticed, you usually have to relax your wrists to sleep.....I couldn't do that. Oh, did I mention that having the IV tube also prevented me from rolling over onto my stomach. You would think that after back surgery they would enable you to roll on your stomach so as to relieve pressure on the cuts/stitches and therefore relieve pain. However, given that (from above) "insanity" leads to shorter hospital stays, on my back I remained.

And did I mention that my roomate snored. Snoring is a euphamism in this case for STRANGLING A BEAR! I was hopeless, bored, and of course insane at this point.

Oh, and just in case you've already forgotten, it's time for a quiz....nurses do what?They check your vitals. And when do they do it? When you have finally managed to fall asleep for 15 minutes. Seriously, every 2-3 hours they would wake me up and check my vitals....ARGH.

Oh, and did I mention the drugs. They had me on some heavy duty antibiotics (via the IV drip hookup) and would push steroids into me a couple of times as well. Turns out that steroids can cause insomnia.....Also turns out that nobody told me this!

Oh, and it also turns out that one of the side effects of anasthesia is increased heart rate.

So, there I am trying to get to sleep with (let me list em) (1) a roomate who was either snoring, ralphing or getting an enema done (2) nurses who just wanted to wake me up in order to push me further into insanity (3) an IV tube in my wrist that hurt to flex (4) cuts in my back that I had little choice but to lie on top of (5) steroids & anesthesia that pumped my *resting* heart rate up in the 80's and 90's!!!!!!!!!!

Incidentally...I slept about 2 hours total that night...and spent the rest of the time trying to get to sleep and wondering how to break out of the insanity and boredom asylum.

10:30pm.....my mom called, so I went to the nurses station and took the call. Also managed to sweet talk a nurse into bringing up the Sharks website....great, they lost again....At this point I proceeded to walk around the hallways for another hour.

2:15am.....bored, can't sleep. Got up and walked around the hallways for another 45 minutes. Oh, don't forget, I had my well ventilated outfit and thigh-high pantyhose on, too. And, yeah...I use the term "walking" quite liberally....it took me about 15 minutes to go 200yards....so a couple of laps killed a LOT of time.

5:30am. My roomate wakes up ralphing and dry heaving. Incidentally, snoring and puking and groaning were his main sounds, and it was always one or the other.

5:45am.....who wants an enema? Not me!!! But my roommate got another one. WOW....there is nothing sacred in a hospital.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO ANOTHER SEGWAY: The question I got asked most, throughout the night, after surgery and into the morning........wait for it..............the question was: "Have you passed gas?" I kid you not! The nurses are serious about this. It's a mark of pride......they cheer you on...they wanna hear it.....they almost seem to live for it (second to takin' vitals of course). "Have you passed gas?". I was constantly getting asked that question.

Well, here's why. Turns out that anasthesia totally screws with your GI tract (i.e. it takes it to a complete stop) and so do most of the pain meds, especially vicadin. Also turns out that passing gas (that's "farting" for us non-nurse laymen) is like the sign that the engines are about to turnover again. This is why they recommend a major fiber-diet post surgery... Speaking from experience [i warned you, Too Much Information] it’s tough to jump start those bowels again…..really tough. Even a juice club with fiber boost, 2 apples, 2 bannanas, prunes and raisin bran isn’t enough. They give you stool softeners on top of it!! [you were WARNED about TMI]

So, let’s get back:

7:00am…i had just gotten to sleep at 6:30 am….and the doctor’s assistants came in, pushed and prodded me a little bit, made sure I felt okay, told me I’d be going home in 4 hours (I was clearly insane and bored, and heceforth ready to be released). Then they left.

So, I got up, urinated some polyester smelling fluid and began to walk (breakfast was supposed to be at 8:00am). I walked for a good hour and a half (that’s about 6 laps around the ward, I think)…got really tired…..and passed gas….loudly and proudly!!! A couple of times….Heck, the way I figured it, I was in a hospital, they were encouraging it, they were asking me about it….so I cut loose. How many times in your life have you actually been encouraged to fart by professionals? For me….that number was 0. So I made the most of it, which incidentally was quite little, because that anasthesia really does stop you up.

8:30am, breakfast FINALLY shows up. Remember, I’m post-op…should be eating high fiber, etc. They give me bacon & eggs and a smallish bran muffin and some coffee. No fruit. I’m starving (hadn’t really eaten for well over 36 hours at this point) and wolf down all that.

8:45….I still have that blood IV in my wrist, it’s swollen and i want it out. They figure that have to load me up with one more bag of antibiotics (I’m taking the steroids orally at this point). They try to push the antibiotics thru and start the drip, but I think the IV is coagulated/swollen…..and they stop. 15 minutes later, they check with the doctor….

9:00. My insanity and boredom is evident. They reward me by removing the IV needle stuck in my wrist. The reward comes with a price….a lot of hair. Oh well.

9:15….I get to shower!!!! The nurse gets to open my well ventilated gown and strap some saran wrap with some hair-pulling tape all around…..wonderment. It took some time (about 10 minutes), but I was able to get the little traction-socks and the white thigh-high nylons off. The rinse off removes a lot of that flowery plastic smell from my poors, and suddenly I feel a lot better. I was starting to feel some dignity, too.

That is, until the nurse pulls off skin & hair removing the wonderful plastic wrapping around the bandages. There is no shame here….it’s a hospital……and the bandages, well, remember that I mentioned it was a LOW back surgery. Men (like me) have hair on their butts. And the surgeons…well, they didn’t shave me down and that quickly became evident as I got a backside ‘waxing’ from the waterproof tape. Yippee.

9:45 – 10:45. I stroll the halls in my street clothes, completely insane and bored. I can finally play my Gameboy (the IV in my left wrist had prevented my thumb from moving). At 10:45, just as I was about to go Postal, Steph shows up to break me out of there. The nurse helps dose me up with a few vicadin prior to the car ride….and then I’m off (like a snail in heat) towards the car….towards the pharmacy….towards home.

And home is where I’m at while I’m writing this. Can’t drive, don’t wanna get in a car, but at least i can sleep…..on my stomach!!! I’m feeling better today than yesterday, and hoping for that fast recovery…..dosing up on fiber like a telecommunications company before the bust. Able to take “walks” (liberal usage of the word…”shuffles” is more like it).

And most importantly….no sciatic pain……

So that’s my story….hope you all had an entertaining read…..any questions? hahahahah

End Of [TMI] Section

Once again, Thanks to everyone for their support.

-Red