Sometimes after the late (10:45) games, I’ll get home, grab a quick shower and crawl right into bed at about 1 o’clock.   On occasion, I’ll be rewinding and replaying some of the plays of the night as I drift off to sleep.   As a result of my mental playback, I sometimes end up dreaming goalie dreams.

This particular night had been a pretty rough-and-tumble game.  Big guys screening me, bumping me around, getting in my way, etc.  Oh, and I was still in the early stages of learning how to protect myself and my beloved crease.

You see, us goalies don’t get to use the entire ice surface like the rest of you skaters.  Instead, we get a little bit of space at one end of the rink where we find our solace.  Instead of jabbering on the bench with the team, we have posts, a crossbar and some netting to keep us company.   We like our little space, which explains why we sometimes “flip the crazy switch” when our comfort zone gets invaded.   Heck, it’s all we got!

Anyway,  so I’m dreaming away and sleeping pretty hard.   I’m playing a great dream-game in net.  Things are going well when suddenly, from somewhere off-ice, I hear:

“ooowwwww oww oww  owww”

which is weird, since I’m really holding my own in this game…..but I begrudgingly take a dream time-out when it continues with:

“owwwwwwwwwwwww….. Ouch!”

…and drearily open my eyes to see Steph on her back with my elbow jabbing into her ribcage.  Steph is holding her side, nearly falling out of bed and has a look of profound shock on her face.

“Ouch, that hurt!   Why were you elbowing me?!?”, she demands.

And in my half-dreamy state, I  simply reply:  “You were in my crease.”

::Background::

While I have short hair, I’m currently sporting the (out-of-style) spiky look. To get said spiky look one has to use product. Not a lot, mind you, but some reasonably stiff hair gel of sorts.

Let me also add that I do not shower after work and *before* I put all the gear on and go play.

When you sweat in goalie gear, you really sweat. After a hard game, my underwear will be soaked through (like a dip in the pool). My scalp also perspires, soaking my hair and dripping down on the now-sopping wet sweat band in my mask. You see, the inside of ice hockey goalie gear is just another water sport.

::Back To The Subject At Hand::

That said, one of the little things I’ve noticed is that different hair products have different flavors. When the helmet sweat spigot engages, some hair products might sting your eyes and some won’t be a problem at all. But more pertinent to today’s topic is the fact that the sweat running down your face invariably gets into your mouth and comes with the added bonus of flavor.

::Tasty::

So, here are my reviews of various hair products and how they taste in the liquid environs of a goalie helmet.

(no particular order)

Redken Hardware – I rarely use this stuff, but it has a mild salty flavor. No sting on the eyes.

Redken Water Wax – This one has nearly no flavor, perhaps slightly salty, but it does manage to dry your throat out a bit and make you cough. In addition, the eye-sting is pretty bad. Because of its waxy nature, it kinda clouds up your eyes as well. So bring an extra eye-rinse water bottle.

Redken [6] Styling Paste – You kinda have to use a lot of this stuff to get it to work, and as a result you get quite a bit of lip-smacking goodness. It’s reminiscent of chewing on a rose petal – not exactly sweet, and it dries your mouth out a little bit. The good news is that it doesn’t completely destroy your vision like the water wax.

Crew Styling Pomade – This is by far the worst offender on the flavor and vision front. I simply had to stop using it for that very reason. Think of a bitter apple, so tannic that your mouth instantly puckers up. Now, add some weird chemical tartness to it that makes your cheeks tighten up. On top of that, throw some vaseline in your eyes. That’s what this stuff does inside a helmet!

Pantene Hair Gel - It might be the cheap stuff on this list, but it’s darn effective as a hair styling product. The flavor is perhaps nutty with a hint of salt — very mild and unoffensive. The eye-sting factor is non-existent. In fact, this is at the top of my “Best tasting hair product mixed with sweat and running into your eyes” category.

Nexxus Exxtra Gel - Another fairly reasonably priced ‘product’ with little flavor (perhaps a wee bit salty). This one also does not have any eye-stinging characteristics. However, it does have a curious effect of making my forehead feel “dry” or slightly chapped. Weird.

This goalie thought is a little insight into how some of us cope with the numbers in lights on the end of the rink.

Yes, the score. You see, the score might determine who wins or loses, but it doesn’t tell the story of how it got that way. Nor does it tell the story of how any one team member played. I’ve had some of my best games in net on the losing side of the battle — there is only so much you can do.

So, in talking with other goalies, I’ve noticed how certain goals bother us more than others. We discount certain goals in our own heads (sure, they are real and they go up on the board). In fact, you can go as far a to say that we goalies have our own way of keeping score. The higher the point value, the worse our performance, kind of like the other team’s goal count (we like low numbers, eh?). So, here goes.

The goalie screwup – Point Value = k*1

These are the goals we hate and that’s why I’m covering them first. These are the goals that I should have had, and easily, but still let in. A classic example is a soft shot along the goal line. There is no angle on that shot, and the chance of it going in are slightly above 0%. These goals are terrible, and more than one of these in a night can really take it’s toll. We know when we’ve let one of these in — whether we show it or not. “k” is the multiplier for how bad you feel (could be as high as 2) or how silly the mistake was. Usually, the higher the “k” value, the less likely you are to make that mistake again!

The basic, normal everyday goal – Point Value = 1

For those of you who watch hockey, there are some goals that are just scored on good shots, or great teamwork. The other team simply creates an opportunity and capitalizes on it. Sometimes they wear you down in your own zone and generate a series of shots. Sometimes they get somebody open on the back door after a lot of work. Sometimes they just beat you fair and square. These are “normal goals” and they happen.

Kung-Fu Saves – Point Value = 1f / x

Sometimes you put together an amazing string of saves. You know, where you make the first save and the rebound gets to an opponent’s stick and comes back so you do the splits and you make another save, but the D can’t clear it and so you launch across the crease to make another save which then gets kicked over and you have to poke check this time. These things happen. Sometimes you put together 5 or 6 of these saves inside of a few short seconds. When you are doing that, you are demonstrating the art of Goalie Kung Fu. Sometimes you get the first 5 but the 6th finds a way to dribble across the goal line. These things happen. Fortunately, with goalie scoring, the point value is 1f/ x where “x” is the number of Kung Fu saves and “f” is a reasonable multipler for your skill level. For instance, I typically use an “f” of 3 (I expect to be able to make 3 Kung Fu saves in a row). If I make 4 Kung Fu saves and the 5th one goes in, the point value is really “3/4″ which is less than the number up on the score board. Translation: I did my job, so I’m not taking full credit for that goal.

Odd Man Rushes – Point Value = (0.5) * (1 / x)

I’ve had teams give up a lot of odd man rushes. These can be your solo breakways, your 2 on 1’s, your 2 on goalie’s…. etc. I’ve even faced (multiple times) 3 opponennts at once! What’s up with that? Anyway, these types of situations have their own point valuation. We start with the basic fact that a clean breakaway is about a 50/50 chance (there are factors about how well I know the shooter, how well they know me, comparable skill levels, number of breakways already that game, etc etc, but we’ll stick with 50/50 to keep it simple). The “x” is the number of shooters breaking in. So for a clean 1 on 0 breakway, if they score it’s a point value of 0.5. If for some reason your D are asleep and you see a 2 on 0, the point value is (0.5) * (1/2) or a value of 0.25. Translation, I expect I might get lucky about 1 out of every 4 times when faced with a 2 on 0 breakaway. You get the picture. Adjust and scale as necessary for the conditions at hand.

Tip Ins and Deflections – Point Value = 1f / x

Tip ins, deflections and odd bounces are a standard part of the game. In this case, “x” is the number of times the puck is tipped (yes, it can be tipped 2 or 3 or even 4 times en route to your face). Even so, we utilize the “f” scaling factor for expected skill level. For a beginning goalie, “f” may equal 0.5, meaning you expect to stop only about 1/2 of the tipped pucks from going in the net. As goalies improve, you figure out game strategies for cutting off tip angles and whatnot. At this point, I use an “f” of 1, meaning I expect to stop the first tip. If a puck is tipped twice and goes in, I’ll give it a score of 0.5. If it’s tipped 3 times, I’d have to claim lack of superhuman speed and paranormal predication and grant it a 0.33 point value. You get the picture.

10/28/2008

Off the post, off the back of your glove, elbow or back, and in the net- Point Value = 1/2

The posts are your friends, except for the rare times that shooters turn them against you by using them. When the shooter hits the post in such a way as to bank it off the back of your glove and then into the net, you have to give them some props. On the other hand, you have to admit that without the post stabbing you in the back, their shot would not have meant squat. So, in this case we’ll simply split the difference and call it 1/2 a point.

The D coughs it up Goal – Point Value = 1/f

There are those times you have just busted out your Goalie Kung Fu and the D gets possession and your team is skating out of the zone with the puck only to cough it up and find the puck in the net. Often during these times you are just trying to catch a few seconds of breath before the next offensive salvo, and so you find yourself a little further back and unprepared than you should be. All of this can be made especially difficult if it is a D that you trust to clear the zone 99% of the time. Either way, the D cough up goal can be a tough “f” value to assign. Does “f” scale with distance from the crease? (Sometimes the D will try to bring the puck tight around the net only to lose it out of your reach and have the opponent “capitalize” on the “opportunity”). Or does “f” scale with the graciousness of the cough-up? You’ll have to figure out your own point value on this one.

Tie Breaker Penalty Shots – Point Value = 0 -or- (0.5) * (1/x)

This one is simply unfair to assign any point value to regardless. It takes a team to end up in an overtime tie-breaker. If you let the critical one in, the game is over and should be put out of your mind. If you make the critical save, you’re a hero. With these types of outcomes, just let it go as a 0 and move on. However, if that’s not good enough and you like to feel the guilt after the game, go for a (0.5) * (1/x) approach, where (0.5) is the familiar 50/50 odds and “x” is the number of penalty shots you have faced that night. The longer things go, the more your skill and luck are stretched.

Own Goals – Point Value = 0

It can be hard enough to track 5 guys circling around in your zone whirling the puck from player to player. What makes it even harder is that there is a small rubber biscuit in the middle of that chaos and you have to keep your eyes on it. What makes this even harder is that you are trying to move all the time to be in the right place so that you can cuddle the biscuit when it gets launched your way. What makes this even harder is there is typically some dude standing in front of you trying to obscure your view of the biscuit. And if that wasn’t enough, your D tries to perform the noble service of clearing out your view, often to end up blinding you just as badly. Oh, and one more thing — I play at night — which is about 7-10 hours after those people in front of me have had their tacqueria lunches (if you know what I mean). So what happens if a shot is taken, you manage to see it, prepare for it, and suddenly your own D tries to help out by tipping it past you? A point value of 0 my friends. This is a goal that simply does not count in my goalie mind.

9/25/2008

Your D falls down and puts them, you and the puck in the net – Point Value = 0

Thanks to Amy for demonstrating this one so cleanly. A guy is coming in on a breakaway and your D is putting pressure on them. As the guy cuts to deke, he loses the puck. Since the cut (and the lost puck) are both a surprise to your D, your D has no choice but to lose both edges, dismount, and slide ass over tea kettle into the puck. Sure, sounds great, except for the momentum part. The puck and the D decide to continue towards your knees at a good velocity (it is ice, and it tends to be slippery). The menage a trois is a nice one and the other team posts a goal. However, being a goalie, you rightfully choose not to count this event as a point against.

10/28/2008

Ringing it in the zone, off an end stanchion, off your back, in the net- Point Value = 0

Honestly, this should never have happened. What are the odds? That’s right, terrible. In fact, if you had not even been there the goal would not have scored. You could even challenge a shooter to make the same ring-in 100 times and they still couldn’t recreate this goal. A goal like this is so beyond belief and so completely random that you could argue it doesn’t exist and never happened. Hence the 0 points.

In The House and On The Button – Point Value = -1

The only way I can figure to mentally knock off points is to put the puck in the house and on the button. What? You don’t watch curling? Basically, this happen when I freeze the puck down low (and don’t desperately need a drink of water, a gear adjustment or any of the other things that players have 2 minutes to do every time they get off the ice. This also assumes you know the refs and they know you, as some refs can get pissy about the goalie “playing” the puck after the whistle blows!) The ‘game’ is simple, after the whistle blows and everyone has had a chance to calm down (players, they get worked up, y’know), gently play/push/shove the puck towards the correct faceoff dot. If you can land the puck right on the dot, take a point off the score!!! Sure, sounds easy enough. Trouble is, the ice conditions change throughout the game and it’s really hard to curl a puck without sweepers (or whatever they are called) working the ice in front of you. And if that is bad enough, players will often skate across the facefoff circle without looking, thereby messing up your perfect toss. Best of luck on this one!

Ding Dong Post Hits - Point Value = +/- x

Somebody recently asked me how I valued shots that hit the post. The answer to this one is simple: If it goes in, x = 1 (or whatever the value from above calculations might be). If it doesn’t go in, x = 0. Yes, it’s that simple. In my monkey, a shot hitting the post means that I was in the perfect position — not an inch was wasted being out of position. Gotta keep things positive!

From: Red <c>Red Byer. For personal distribution only.

Sent: Thu 3/13/2003 4:10 PM

Subject: Back Surgery Stories/updates
First off, administratively: (1) Sorry for the mass email, but it’s more efficient. (2) Sorry if you get 2, 3 or even 4 copies of this message…i pretty much just spammed my address book.

Anyway, I just had a micro-discectomy, and here’s the story and a status update for you all.

Pre Surgery, Da’ History

For those who don’t know, I went in for lower back surgery last Tuesday the 11th. The operation was a micro-discectomy…..History: I have had on/off severe back pain for about 10 years now. Back then they only took an x-ray and thought I had a fused disc down there somewhere. Well, 2 months ago, it really really went out (sleeping was no longer an option). Finally, in early February, I had an MRI done and it showed a beautiful bulge/prolapse/hernia/rupture between L5 and S1. 15mm bulge to be specific, pinching on the left side spinal cord and basically messing it all up. As a point of reference, a prolapse that size was enough to make my chiropractor take pause and look seriously concerned (and he’s an x-football player who regularly treats NFL players).

Mid February, it was feeling better and I was working out more…and it went out AGAIN…Valerie & Steph got to witness that Valentine’s dinner hands-and-knees-all-of-a-sudden fiasco. In fact they looked worried enough that it became obvious surgery was a necessity.

After quite some waiting and a lot of kneeling at work, I finally had a pre-op and a surgery date scheduled. A second opinion with a more conservative Dr. S in Redwood City confirmed that it was time for surgery. Dr. K at the Stanford Neurosurgery was scheduled to be my surgeon.

OH, and this is most definitely not a “pity me email”. At least 3 of the people getting this have had total knee re-builds, at least 1 of the people has had a kidney transplant, and another had a deviated septum surgery. I think the pain and recovery from my surgery pales in comparison to those just mentioned.

Post Surgery, Quick Summary

So, the quick summary….after a DREADFUL night in the hospital (read more below) I am back at home . . . dosing up on vicadin and valium and steroids. I’m in some pain of course (imagine a sledgehammer hitting your back, or some sucker-kidney-punches) and I walk *really* slowly. I can’t bend or twist yet, but the good news, NO MORE SCIATIC LEG PAIN.

Speaking with the doctor, he said that he was surprised to see that much of the disc bulge seemed be from an older injury (hence the 10 years of back problems). He cleaned it right up, I hope. I’m hoping to get a post-MRI out of the deal if I can…just to see what it looks like now. As for the disc degeneration in L4 & L5…well, just going to have to live with that for the rest of my life. I hope to keep strong enough to be able to lift and toss-around my kids some day.

Since doctors do not give straight answers and love to be ultra conservative, they were saying it would be 2 weeks before I could drive and 4 weeks to return to activity. Yeah, WHATEVER. The driving is limited by the vicadin….(i can always get driven to work)..and the return normal activity varies by individual (2-6 weeks is what I have read).

I feel better today than yesterday, and I am not taking full-dosages of vicadin. I currently hope to be back to work in <10 days.

A Quick Thanks For The Support

THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THEIR SUPPORT. The cards/balloons/flowers are greatly appreciated. In fact, I left one of the baloons with my roomate, who was having a really bad time and who’s 2 year old son was visiting. The “Get RRRRuufff” dalmation balloon stayed behind for him. Oh, and the “ITs A BOY” balloon courtesy of Manuel M was the source of some confusion for the nursing staff.

Well done!

The Gritty Details Of My Night In The Hospital

AND NOW, the detailed nitty gritty somewhat humorous recap for those who have never been to a hospital, under anesthetic, etc. READ ONLY if you can stand the yummy details….this is for those of you who like the gory, juicy, nasty details…and for me to share the stories for those brave few.

WARNING: Too Much Information [TMI] abounds below.

They let me lie down in a bed and asked lots of questions, poked and prodded for 15 minutes, took vitals. Then came the fun part. I got to watch Stephanie & my mother flinch as they inserted the IV into my left wrist. I swear that they almost fainted. The best part, they loaded me up with some sort of anti-anxiety, relaxant stuff. WHAM….in 5 seconds I felt like I had just had 3 margaritas. My hearing went away and I was flying quite nicely. And then, wheeled to the operating room.

Interesting point….in the pre-op room there were at least 3 different SCRA parents that recognized me. In fact, Dr. Samuels (Coach Emma’s father) was my anastheseologist. Made me glad I was wearing my finest attire and didn’t have any embarrassing tattoos.

The resident that inserted the IV was very kind, and (sorry Steph) cute…so not a bad way to be put under and perhaps be the last thing I would see on the pain-free end of things. There was no countdown, nothing. Just a “We’re going to put this pillow under your head to support your neck better.” Uhh, yeah….I think that’s what they did.

Because the next thing I heard as I woke up…”Breathe deep….take another deep breath. Good. Another deep breath…really deep.” I complied, I don’t know why, but I did…and then my eyes opened…and I felt so very very good. It was only 2 1/2 hours or so after they had put me under. No nausea….a little soreness in my back (promptely relieved with a small hit of morphine).

And the TASTE. Oh my god, it felt like my mouth had had a bunch of nasty melted polyester poured into it. My mouth, my throat…my lips…tasted and smelled HORRIBLE. The nurse heard me complaining, and whipped out some sort of pre-tasting swab (some $50 lemon pledge-pinesol flavored q-tip) and swabbed my lips and let me suck on it for awhile. That was nice….then she was a total goddess and gave me a cup of crushed ice to suck on!!! Wow….anything to get rid of that nasty taste. I kept asking them why they didn’t invent mint flavored anasthesia…..could it be that hard?

And there I sat….bored, but drunk on anasthesia for an hour and a half….then two big nurses came and I got to watch the ceiling tiles of Stanford Hospital fly by as they whizzed me and my 300lb bed around and around and up the elevator.

Then I was in my room…next to a guy who was snoring (and didn’t stop the entire time I was there) really really really loud. They checked vitals (they do that in hospitals…a LOT) and I proceded to convince Steph & my mother to go get some food for themselves (I had to pee really bad, and wanted the privacy) [TMI to follow, don't read if you're squeemish.

Well, evidently, that liter of IV fluid they had pumped me with....it wanted out in a BIG way. I filled that urinal to the brim, and could have kept going, but I didn't feel like asking for more. The nurse who took it away dutifully recorded that I had peed, and how much, 'cause they do that as well as check your vitals.

Oh, by the way, I smelled terrible....my mouth still tasted terrible. Everything like a flowery plastic nasty that exuded from every pore. And the pee? Yuck. For those (like me) who can't stand morning after asparagus/broccoli piss, try the post-anasthesia pee. Holy stinking nasty!!! And it continued like that all night, too!!!

But I digress.....The time is now about 6:30pm.

So, in order to get off of the IV, I had to keep some fluids down, and I was eager to comply (that taste). They brought me some apple juice, water and soup broth. I began drinking the soup broth. Well, about this time, my roommate decided that the morphine was not agreeable, and I was treated to about 5 minutes of projectile vomiting into his bedpan. I must have been hungry, because I stll drank that soup, the apple juice and the water.

I was rewarded by being unhooked from the IV drip, but the IV tube remained in my wrist. Blech.

Then they brought me dinner. It was HUGE. After witnessing my roommate, I was in no hurry to rush back into eating (puking is tough enough, but with a hurt/weak back, it is tough and completely painful). Well, the dinner they brough was salad, fruit, a huge hunk of chicken, some rice and guess-what: BROCOLLI. Why not add insult to injury and throw in some asparagus, as if my pee didn't already smell bad enough! Needless to say, I passed on the brocolli....and nibbled on the rest. Quite a feat, given that my roommates heaving kept on going.

About 15 minutes later, steph & my mom return with their dinner, and I promptly shoo them out, because it's time for my roommate to get an enema. Wonderful. My pee smells like flowery plastic, my roommate is hurling, I'm worried about hurling (that's what everyone says happens after anasthesia & morphine), and my dinner is getting cold quickly because it smells like enema. This hospital stay was turning out to be a wonderful idea.

Another 15 mintues go by, the smell(s) have subsided...my mom, steph and my housemate return and I'm nibbling. I'm starving...want to eat, but given the circumstances, just can't.

At about 7:30....mom & housemate leave....Dr K comes in to let me know that all went well.....and then I attempt to stand. In order to stand, they have to remove these cool little pressurized air-bag leg-massagers that they had (keeps blood clots from forming, improves circulation and feels damn cool as they inflate and deflate).

7:30, a mere 4 hours after surgery, I stand....and go take a nice long plastic smelling pee (i hate urinals, and using a toilet was my reward for standing). My back felt weak, but acceptable, and with steph and the nurse for support, it was not a problem. We took a little walk around the unit (about 15 minutes or so)...and that felt really good.

I was able to walk/shuffle around until 8pm.....when I had to get back into bed (yup, still wearing my wonderful pantyhose in case you'd forgotten) and steph got kicked out for the night.

Contrary to popular belief...they kick visitors out early so that the patients go insane with boredom. They have found that boredom and insanity are the biggest aids to healing quickly and demanding shorter hospital stays. SO, at 8pm, I was faced with 14 hours of excruciating boredom with a little bit of pain. I was in prison/hospital....same difference.

On the good news, The Waterboy was playing...and that helped.

So commenced the night of no sleep. I had a little pain, sure...but having an IV in your wrist prevents it from bending. And in case you hadn't noticed, you usually have to relax your wrists to sleep.....I couldn't do that. Oh, did I mention that having the IV tube also prevented me from rolling over onto my stomach. You would think that after back surgery they would enable you to roll on your stomach so as to relieve pressure on the cuts/stitches and therefore relieve pain. However, given that (from above) "insanity" leads to shorter hospital stays, on my back I remained.

And did I mention that my roomate snored. Snoring is a euphamism in this case for STRANGLING A BEAR! I was hopeless, bored, and of course insane at this point.

Oh, and just in case you've already forgotten, it's time for a quiz....nurses do what?They check your vitals. And when do they do it? When you have finally managed to fall asleep for 15 minutes. Seriously, every 2-3 hours they would wake me up and check my vitals....ARGH.

Oh, and did I mention the drugs. They had me on some heavy duty antibiotics (via the IV drip hookup) and would push steroids into me a couple of times as well. Turns out that steroids can cause insomnia.....Also turns out that nobody told me this!

Oh, and it also turns out that one of the side effects of anasthesia is increased heart rate.

So, there I am trying to get to sleep with (let me list em) (1) a roomate who was either snoring, ralphing or getting an enema done (2) nurses who just wanted to wake me up in order to push me further into insanity (3) an IV tube in my wrist that hurt to flex (4) cuts in my back that I had little choice but to lie on top of (5) steroids & anesthesia that pumped my *resting* heart rate up in the 80's and 90's!!!!!!!!!!

Incidentally...I slept about 2 hours total that night...and spent the rest of the time trying to get to sleep and wondering how to break out of the insanity and boredom asylum.

10:30pm.....my mom called, so I went to the nurses station and took the call. Also managed to sweet talk a nurse into bringing up the Sharks website....great, they lost again....At this point I proceeded to walk around the hallways for another hour.

2:15am.....bored, can't sleep. Got up and walked around the hallways for another 45 minutes. Oh, don't forget, I had my well ventilated outfit and thigh-high pantyhose on, too. And, yeah...I use the term "walking" quite liberally....it took me about 15 minutes to go 200yards....so a couple of laps killed a LOT of time.

5:30am. My roomate wakes up ralphing and dry heaving. Incidentally, snoring and puking and groaning were his main sounds, and it was always one or the other.

5:45am.....who wants an enema? Not me!!! But my roommate got another one. WOW....there is nothing sacred in a hospital.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO ANOTHER SEGWAY: The question I got asked most, throughout the night, after surgery and into the morning........wait for it..............the question was: "Have you passed gas?" I kid you not! The nurses are serious about this. It's a mark of pride......they cheer you on...they wanna hear it.....they almost seem to live for it (second to takin' vitals of course). "Have you passed gas?". I was constantly getting asked that question.

Well, here's why. Turns out that anasthesia totally screws with your GI tract (i.e. it takes it to a complete stop) and so do most of the pain meds, especially vicadin. Also turns out that passing gas (that's "farting" for us non-nurse laymen) is like the sign that the engines are about to turnover again. This is why they recommend a major fiber-diet post surgery... Speaking from experience [i warned you, Too Much Information] it’s tough to jump start those bowels again…..really tough. Even a juice club with fiber boost, 2 apples, 2 bannanas, prunes and raisin bran isn’t enough. They give you stool softeners on top of it!! [you were WARNED about TMI]

So, let’s get back:

7:00am…i had just gotten to sleep at 6:30 am….and the doctor’s assistants came in, pushed and prodded me a little bit, made sure I felt okay, told me I’d be going home in 4 hours (I was clearly insane and bored, and heceforth ready to be released). Then they left.

So, I got up, urinated some polyester smelling fluid and began to walk (breakfast was supposed to be at 8:00am). I walked for a good hour and a half (that’s about 6 laps around the ward, I think)…got really tired…..and passed gas….loudly and proudly!!! A couple of times….Heck, the way I figured it, I was in a hospital, they were encouraging it, they were asking me about it….so I cut loose. How many times in your life have you actually been encouraged to fart by professionals? For me….that number was 0. So I made the most of it, which incidentally was quite little, because that anasthesia really does stop you up.

8:30am, breakfast FINALLY shows up. Remember, I’m post-op…should be eating high fiber, etc. They give me bacon & eggs and a smallish bran muffin and some coffee. No fruit. I’m starving (hadn’t really eaten for well over 36 hours at this point) and wolf down all that.

8:45….I still have that blood IV in my wrist, it’s swollen and i want it out. They figure that have to load me up with one more bag of antibiotics (I’m taking the steroids orally at this point). They try to push the antibiotics thru and start the drip, but I think the IV is coagulated/swollen…..and they stop. 15 minutes later, they check with the doctor….

9:00. My insanity and boredom is evident. They reward me by removing the IV needle stuck in my wrist. The reward comes with a price….a lot of hair. Oh well.

9:15….I get to shower!!!! The nurse gets to open my well ventilated gown and strap some saran wrap with some hair-pulling tape all around…..wonderment. It took some time (about 10 minutes), but I was able to get the little traction-socks and the white thigh-high nylons off. The rinse off removes a lot of that flowery plastic smell from my poors, and suddenly I feel a lot better. I was starting to feel some dignity, too.

That is, until the nurse pulls off skin & hair removing the wonderful plastic wrapping around the bandages. There is no shame here….it’s a hospital……and the bandages, well, remember that I mentioned it was a LOW back surgery. Men (like me) have hair on their butts. And the surgeons…well, they didn’t shave me down and that quickly became evident as I got a backside ‘waxing’ from the waterproof tape. Yippee.

9:45 – 10:45. I stroll the halls in my street clothes, completely insane and bored. I can finally play my Gameboy (the IV in my left wrist had prevented my thumb from moving). At 10:45, just as I was about to go Postal, Steph shows up to break me out of there. The nurse helps dose me up with a few vicadin prior to the car ride….and then I’m off (like a snail in heat) towards the car….towards the pharmacy….towards home.

And home is where I’m at while I’m writing this. Can’t drive, don’t wanna get in a car, but at least i can sleep…..on my stomach!!! I’m feeling better today than yesterday, and hoping for that fast recovery…..dosing up on fiber like a telecommunications company before the bust. Able to take “walks” (liberal usage of the word…”shuffles” is more like it).

And most importantly….no sciatic pain……

So that’s my story….hope you all had an entertaining read…..any questions? hahahahah

End Of [TMI] Section

Once again, Thanks to everyone for their support.

-Red